Signs

Sometimes life gives you signs.

I’m pretty obtuse, so sadly life has to give me a few of ’em before I realize what’s going on, but I have come to realize that there is a big arrow hanging over my head as of the last…well, who knows really…I’m obtuse remember?

The arrow is saying Move On.

I like my job, but I have never been a corporate climber or someone who was intensely career oriented. To me the work I did has always been a means to an end;  the thing that put food in my mouth and a roof over my head so I could live my real life. Now the company I work for is sort of imploding from within. It remains to be seen whether or not, when the dust settles, my position will still exist.

It might. It might not. Perhaps a better position will become available. Perhaps there will be no use for my skills here, in any position. That is simply unknown.

I have about as much of a compelling reason to stick around and find out as I do to try and seek something elsewhere.

It’s July. I am officially halfway through the annual lease on my apartment. I like it there; it’s sunny and quiet and I seem to have a knack for making wherever I lay my hat a cute, homey place. But I came back to my hometown to care for my ill mother, and she has since passed. My stuff is here, but there’s no real reason for me to be anymore.

Last Friday I was expressing to the man I’ve been dating for the last couple of months that I was rather on the fence about my work situation. Do I hang around and see if I end up with a job or do I proactively start looking for something new? He made the comment that, since I liked living in California so much, maybe I should look into finding something there.

Then, the following day, he informed me that he is moving a female friend of his into his home because she’s going through a divorce and needs a place to live. Oh, and by the way, she’s also his ex-girlfriend. So that’s a “maybe you should think about moving 3,000 miles away” and “I’m bringing a former lover into my house” in the span of about 24 hours. Heh, I’m obtuse, but I’m not that obtuse.

Signs.

It’s easy to become complacent and comfortable. Before we even realize it, we can become overly attached to a life plan and build our identity around it.

I theorize that’s why when romantic relationships go the way of the Dodo it hurts so much; we’ve subconsciously begun to invest in a new life plan with that person. Then poof…you find yourself scrambling for a plan b. Or c.

But nothing in nature ever stays the same for very long. The earth itself is in constant motion. Seasons change. Herds of stuff migrate to eat, or mate or just because their instincts tell them it’s time to move.

I believe there are essentially two kinds of people in the world – there are the ones who don’t like change, who fear it and feel victimized by it and who will pour a lot of energy into fighting it tooth and nail – people who never dare stray too far from who they think they are (or who someone told them they are); to whom safety (or the illusion of it) is far more important than anything else.

And then there are the ones who – if not embrace, then at least accept, change – who see it as a chance to learn and grow and who use shake-ups in their outer worlds as opportunities to fire up their inner worlds and live more conscious lives. Neither are right or wrong. Just different.

As for me, I may have started out in the first group, but life has determinedly redirected me firmly into the second. I can’t say I’ve been one to fear or fight change, but I certainly didn’t like it very much.

Not so anymore. About the time everyone who mattered to me either left or died, I simply let go. Evolve or perish. Sit sulking in the dark or get up, dust yourself off and go find the light. I decided in favor of light. And growth. Change is too strong to have as an enemy, so I embraced it as my ally.

So thank you, life, for being patient with me this go-round. Thank you for working with my total inability to read subtlety, and for reminding me to be open to whatever lay ahead.

And for all the signs.

Forward. Always forward……….

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Laurie
    Jul 03, 2012 @ 15:38:38

    Ah Zoe. Sorry to hear about the imminent shakeup. I don’t believe that “everything happens for a reason” or in fate or whatever, but I do believe that situations like this give someone the opportunity to find something better.

    Best of luck to you!!

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