Mother’s Day Card

Happy Mother’s Day Mom,

I wish you were here. I wish I could celebrate today with you by taking you to brunch, toasting your beauty, your wisdom and our amazing & magical relationship over mimosas. I wish we could spend the rest of the day talking and laughing and just…being together.

You have no idea how much I miss you….or perhaps you do. Do you hear me talking to you? Do you see me when something happens that I know you’d get a kick out of and I cast a sideways glance toward the heavens? Can you feel me there when I go to your headstone because I need to really talk to you about something serious? And do you shake your head every time I cry over the loss of you (because I know you told me not to…but I just can’t help it)?

This place is not the same without you Mom. Nor is my life. There is a huge hole now, in both, that nothing can fill. When “things get tough”, as you always used to say, I feel alone because you were my counselor, my confidant, and you always had the best advice. When something so wonderful that it takes my breath away happens, I ache because I want to share it with you.

I still, even 5 years later, go to call you every night. Only now, where I used to actually reach for the phone, I just cast a furtive glance at it. It seems the knee-jerk reaction remains, but as the time passes, I am slowly beginning to adapt to this strange world without you in it. This is not an adaptation I am at all pleased with…but life goes on and I know you wouldn’t want me “stuck”. Thankfully I’m not anymore Mom.

But I miss you Mom. Every.  Single.  Day.

Some days, like today, I miss you so much it physically hurts.

I found a crinkled old photo of you and your sister. Its the late 60’s I think, and you are celebrating something. You both are dressed to the nines and OMG you guys have the poofiest hairdos I have ever seen! The smiles on your faces are unmistakable, even through the faded creases of the old Polaroid, and you are toasting with slim, elegant champagne glasses. Mom, you are holding the glass aloft with your bad arm…so it was taken before you got sick.

Long before either of you got sick.

“Better days” as we used to call them. Better days.

I look at that photo and your smiles are contagious. I can’t help smiling myself. Even now, through streams of tears.

That is how I think of you. Healthy, vital, glowing, happy. No pain, only celebration. Grammy and Grampy are there. And Auntie and Uncle. Celebrating with you.  And the Dom Perignon never runs out.

Every dog we’ve ever had…you’ve ever had…is there too. Frolicking, playing, chasing chipmunks and enjoying endless treats. Beasely Mae is on your lap. And she’s healthy too Mom.

To say I love you just doesn’t seem adequate. You were the most amazing person I have ever had the privilege to know. You were my best friend.  Thank you for sticking around as long as you did…I know they told you that you wouldn’t make it to see me turn five, but you stayed until I was forty-one. And I know it wasn’t easy.

Thank you for everything, Mom. Thank you for my life. Thank you for instilling within me everything that has made me who I am today. Many people have told me that the woman I have become reminds them of you. There is no higher compliment.

Happy Mother’s Day.  Words just don’t cut it…but I’m hoping that you can see me here, writing this, and know the depths of how I feel……….

I Love You… Always,

Your Little Girl

 

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. rooey
    May 14, 2012 @ 03:29:03

    This almost made me cry. We have so many of the same thoughts and feelings on this day, but you expressed them more eloquently than I ever could have. Wishing you peace today as you mark the day in her honor.

  2. J
    May 14, 2012 @ 15:09:32

    Thank you so much for writing this. I almost didn’t have the courage to post my letter to my mom on my blog, but it made me feel so much better. I hope the same is true for you.

    Although we are both members of one of the crappiest “clubs” someone can belong to, it is nice to know I’m not alone. I am approaching three years without my mom, and this weekend was one of the worst.

    I hope that you continue to cherish the memories of your Mom, and smile every time you notice yourself becoming more and more like her 🙂

  3. thezeitgeistofzoe
    May 14, 2012 @ 15:21:26

    thanks from the bottom of my heart to both of you : ) and @j i just went and read your post from yesterday…and started bawling. wow, so, SO beautiful. for some reason i still can’t comment with my wordpress account (?)

    you are definitely not alone. WE are not alone. i don’t think it ever really gets any better…this is the 5th mother’s day for me and although i have come to a place where i can focus more on celebrating her life and being grateful i has such a phenomenal mother, it is still laced with the sadness of her loss. and perhaps it always will be. who can fill the place of one’s mother? no one. probably as it should be.

    but while our mothers may have been taken…how wonderful it is that such an amazing circle of friends has been given. i am so grateful to have you guys in my life…and to think, all because we are well organized **wink**!

    so thank you again….i think we all do our mothers proud : )

  4. kanalt17
    May 15, 2012 @ 09:44:47

    *hugs*

    As I commented on J’s post, I’m approaching 5 years of losing my dad. We were very close, especially when I was living at home, and although I always think about him, it’s been even more so lately. I don’t know that I could write a post as eloquent as either of you though – it’s too personal of a subject for me to do without bawling, and so I’ll probably stay away from it.

    Very beautiful and touching.

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