My Heart Belongs to Malden

Yes, I’m back in my  ochre Malden from the Regency Compact and no, I don’t want to talk about it.

It’s too soon.

Actually, when it comes right down to what I want in a planner, I must admit that for me Malden may just be the Filofax equivalent of Mr. Right.

Because Malden is male. Okay, not the pink one, and I guess the crimson one could go either way really, but ochre is definitely male.  To me.  Mine is.

Probably black and grey too…I clearly haven’t given this too much thought… but definitely the personal Ochre.

That rugged vintage buffalo leather, the metal stud on the closure (oh yeah, I said “stud”.), the dapper contrast stitching, that dreamy scent, and how it only looks more distinguished as it ages.

Swoon.

Yup, it occurred to me as I moved back into the comfort and, let’s face it, pure satisfaction of this Filofax,  that having a Malden around might just be better than having a man around *.

I thought, with a chortle, that given how many times I’ve changed my mind and moved in & out of my Malden (and it never complains or rolls its eyes), it is certainly easier to live with than a man *.  And hence this post was born.

WARNING: ADULT HUMOR BELOW.
(The key words here being “adult” and “humor”)

Directions for continuing to read this blog entry are as follows:

Check your inhibitions at the door, sit down, relax, pour yourself a nice glass of wine (but don’t drink it while reading I’ve been told, lest you spray wine all over your monitor or yourself; wine stains you know), and please put Bill Withers “Use Me” on in the background for ambiance.

* Note that @stevemorton and @tommes_s are hereby exempt from this Top Ten List, as I have never lived with either of them (or both of them, now that you mention it), and although they are men, they are also in fact Malden owners.

The Top 10 Reasons  a Malden is Easier to Live With Than  a Man :

10.  I have six of them (Maldens that is) and that is perfectly okay.

9.  I can have all of them out at the same time . And I can even use them all at the same time if I want to.

8.  Since they are all Maldens, I never have to worry about calling one by the wrong name (awkward!!!!).

7.  Malden’s sole purpose is to wait quietly…not watching sports incessantly, asking me how much longer I’m going to be getting ready, or hitting on my friends every chance it gets…for the opportunity to meet my needs.

6.  IT carries MY stuff in ITS pockets, not the other way around.

5.  Three words you can say about Malden that I don’t think you can say about too many men:  No. Mommy. Issues.

(That one’s not  just me folks; that’s Freud, Shakespeare, Hitchcock, Voltaire, pretty much the entirety of Greek Mythology, and any married woman who’s husband’s mother is alive, so think about that before you leave a nasty comment. Just sayin’)

4.  It’s never in a bad mood/too tired/unexplainably flaccid when I have one of those days where I can’t keep my hands off its leather.

3.  Having a Malden actually simplifies my life and makes it less chaotic.

2.  The Pocket ones never worry that they are too small.

(come on…that one was funny, admit it)

And the number one reason a Malden is easier to live with than a man is…

1. It doesn’t require constant reassurance that it was “good for me too” every time I use it.

Now, if only I could find a way to make the thing vibrate…..

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18 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. J
    Sep 29, 2011 @ 17:55:51

    There are no words for how awesome this post is. Except for maybe Fanfreakingtastic!

  2. Tommes S.
    Sep 29, 2011 @ 18:41:32

    Very good post, and so true in many ways! I have to admit as a man… 😉

  3. G di Gesu
    Sep 29, 2011 @ 18:43:07

    This is a fantastic post. I will print it and stamp it to my office’s door!!!

    hahahaha!!!!

    Giovani

  4. Heather Winterton
    Sep 29, 2011 @ 19:18:34

    Love your blog (although I won’t be showing this one to my husband!).

  5. Steve
    Sep 29, 2011 @ 20:38:52

    A Philofaxabulous post!

    6 Maldens, I’ve got some catching up to do!

  6. Jotje
    Sep 29, 2011 @ 21:23:15

    Oh I love this! Actually had a glass of wine in my hand and put it on the table at your warning. Glad I did! Thanks for making me cry with laughter, just before I go to bed …

  7. ~AspireToBe~
    Sep 29, 2011 @ 21:34:05

    Oh, you are the absolute best! Love this post!

  8. SNARLing
    Sep 29, 2011 @ 22:31:06

    heh heh! nice!

    ummm, that little zip pocket is just big enough to fit a… i mean,,,, well, technically, you COULD,,, not that i would KNOW or anything cough but uh,,, you know, the filofax IS made to suit YOUR needs… just saying… ; }

  9. Laurie
    Sep 30, 2011 @ 09:44:00

    LOL Zoe!!!! This is genius!!!

  10. Steve
    Sep 30, 2011 @ 17:18:11

    Also Maldens never get jealous even if there is another one the same size or bigger around and ‘available’

  11. kanalt
    Oct 01, 2011 @ 14:18:51

    Love this post! Awesome, as always. I am going to show this one to DH so he can stop nagging me about buying planners. It’s that or find a boy toy. 😉

  12. Dolly
    Oct 01, 2011 @ 15:27:26

    very funny!! haha! my boyfriend’s quite like a filofax.. he’s leathery, strong and smells lovely.
    not really as glamourous as my amazona if i’m honest, but i wish i could fit him in my handbag!

  13. Millie
    Oct 01, 2011 @ 18:59:38

    Haha, brilliant post Zoe!

    I can’t believe you own six Maldens though!!!

  14. Robbin
    Oct 02, 2011 @ 05:22:49

    I’m madly in love with my ochre Malden! Great post.

  15. Anita Lim (@anita_lim)
    Oct 02, 2011 @ 09:10:23

    Brilliant 🙂
    I’ve just bought another filo in a sale & my concern is I won’t like it, as it isn’t a Malden… they rock!

  16. thezeitgeistofzoe
    Oct 03, 2011 @ 19:22:09

    thanks to all of you for your fantastic comments!! especially the guys ; )

    and @snarling: totally gonna try that….

    i can’t believe i have 6 maldens either. how did that happen?! in case you’re wondering they are:

    1 each in black, ochre & grey in personal size
    1 each in black, ochre & crimson in pocket size

    so far i have to say ochre is my favorite. not sure why, with black as a close runner up. but no matter what the color or size, i think we all agree it’s hard to beat a malden!!!!

  17. Rori Lieurance (@RoriRants)
    Oct 12, 2011 @ 23:22:32

    LMFAO. Really, truly funny as hell, well written, spectacular post. Glad I wasn’t drinking anything…Mr. MacBook would NOT have been pleased XD

  18. Trackback: Buffalo Girls « the zeitgeist of zoe

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